


Doll

by SharpestRose



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-08
Updated: 2011-07-08
Packaged: 2017-10-21 03:35:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/220460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SharpestRose/pseuds/SharpestRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I am not Lilith, I am not Yui. Perhaps I am the second one. Perhaps I am only the third.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doll

I am Rei Ayanami.

What does that mean, though? So, I am Rei. This is the way people identify me. I identify myself. But it also implies that I am a person who exists and thinks. Others have recognised Rei Ayanami for years. But am I her?

  
I would like to think I am the second as well as the third. She was very noble, from what Ikari tells me. Maybe she loved him. I cannot think of her as myself, because I do not remember being her. Yet I hope that I am her. I would like to think that her soul is my soul, even though her memories are gone. But if I am her, then why do I think of her the way I do? I hope, for her sake, that it was a quick and painless death. But if it was my own death then I should not care, because I do not remember it.

  
She died bravely. But I do not think she lived bravely. She was a doll, a mindless, unthinking doll. Did she have a soul at all? Yes, somehow I think she did. I think it is my soul too.

  
Yes. I am Rei II as well as III. I am sure of this. She - _I_ thought that flowers were pointless, meaningless. So many, so many the same. There are many Rei's. But being one of many does not diminish the indivual.

  
I think I am Rei Ayanami. The single, one-souled creation who thus far has inhabited three bodies, all with flyaway blue hair and eyes the colour of hatred. Would I be me in a different body?

  
So, I am Rei. Rei who is perhaps part Yui, perhaps part Lilith. It was never information that I was given, but I am not stupid and learnt these things over my life. Over the life of the first Reis.

  
Does Ikari's mother's DNA make me her? Human children are born of two parents, the combination of their creators. My creator was Gendo Ikari. Does that make him my parent? Does that make me his doll?

  
No. I am not his doll.

  
Rei II – Even if she is me, I cannot think of her as anyone but Rei II – was his doll. I have read her diary. My diary. But if it is mine why did it feel like prying? She was fumbling in the dark for her identity. I can feel my identity, it fits inside myself, touching the inside of my fingertips, stretching down my legs, fitting within the thin shell of my skull. But is it hers? The one she was vainly grasping at the edges of?

  
The fifth child is correct. I am like him, and I understand now. Does that mean my soul – my identity, is not Rei II's? I have read her records. Whether she was part Lilith or not, her blood type was AB positive. Without checking, I know that mine will not be.

  
The combination of these things – is that what makes a person? Young Ikari is the way he is because of his DNA, because of the life he has led. But somehow I feel that there is something deeper that defines him, defines all of us.

  
I can feel it on the edges of dreams, behind my eyelids. My being screaming. I AM NOT YOUR DOLL! I am my own person. I am not Lilith, I am not Yui. Perhaps I am the second one. Perhaps I am only the third. I know I am Rei Ayanami. That is me.

  
I am no-one's doll. I can make my own choices.

  
Is this Tabris's gift to me? He said I was the same as him. But the angel of free will has helped me realise that I am the same as only myself. I am no-one's clone, no-one's doll.

  
He will be gone soon. Somehow I know this. I want him to know what he has given me, before he is gone. I want him to know that I have found the answer.

  
I am not a doll.

 


End file.
